Six Signs of Aging

1. Swear Words and Curses

Then: I’ve always loved fiendish words, and will continue to do so. But through the ages, my view of them have certainly changed. Like a snotty idiot, I used to, once upon a snotty time, giggle whenever I came across your run-of-the-mill swear words and unbecoming words: hell, arse, fuck, douchewad, balls, nuts, dickface et cetra.

Now: Although I shall never ever stop busting a gut when someone says “ball” or “nuts,” (only a couple of days ago, my friend said to me, drop dead serious,”Man, Brazil is so famous for its nuts, I’d like to try them.” I mean, that has to be deliberate right? ) nowadays, I’m much fonder of expressions I used to overlook as a kid.

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Not mention the creative, colorful ones I come across in Scott Lynch books.

snot-nosed grand duke of insolence, a fist-fuck and a flaming oil bath

turnip-brained alley apes

I mean, one could almost make a claim that I read his books solely for the cursing. One could almost be right. I think I need to re-read the Gentlemen Bastard books. He needs to write more.

2. The Romancing and S-xing!

Then: Eeeeep! *cue embarrassment that I’ll pretend not to feel and be all jaded with my eye-rolling* *tries to make sense of the nonsensical actions they engage in* *pukes* WHY SUCH ROMANCE? I couldn’t wait for romantic interests to die. In every book. Every time. My homicidal tendencies developed early courtesy of Nicholas Sparks. He is a source for all kinds of scandals.

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Not that I have anything against incest myself-when it comes to others, I mean. And that is because of the afore-not-mentioned wayward scenes I read in an anthology. Thankfully, it was in Hindi with all sorts of difficult words that I still won’t be able to pronounce, so I didn’t understand much despite the fact that I spent hours poring over it. They get struck down by the gods. though. :c

Now: *eye roll* *puke* This time meaning it all. GIMME SOME GOOD ROMANCE, DAMN YOU! I’d still prefer romantic interests to die of suffocation with their head stuffed in the cadaver of an elephant that died of old age.

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THE INTERNET IS SECRETLY PANDORA’S BOX.

But if I can’t have that, then please please oh please pass over the smexy scenes and banter. Or shut down the romance industry for real. Those would be your three options if I ran the world.

Take notes, authors of the future!

3. Dead Characters

Then: Diediedie in a blaze of glory and purple dragon breath, my lovelies! It doesn’t get any better than that. If not that, meh. I don’t care. I was a heartless robot, not one for the stories or movies. I LIKED it when they died; I LIKED the suffering of the survivors, craved it.

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Now: Sometime around the months I turned fourteen and was reading The Enemy, I grew a heart whose spontaneous growth I tried to stunt by reading more gory books and shutting down emotions. Didn’t work. I couldn’t even finish The Enemy and still get sad thinking of it. STOP DYING EVERYONE. MY HEARTSTRINGSSSS.

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4. Grown-ups

I solemnly swear that I shall never grow up or stop laughing at “balls” and “nuts,” but on the other hand…

Then: ADULTS MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED! HALLELUJAH. I was a big fan of this theme, still am. Parents conveniently absent/working/dead? Hooray!!! For real. I was fucked-up, man. Anywho, I didn’t like normal, non-magical grown-ups intervening in my stories. Unless we’re talking Sally Jackson.

Now: It’s a tired trope now. I’d much rather see grown-ups taking part-not too much, mind you-in the story. Probably it’d be best if they fuck up majorly and then I can wish deaths upon them without feeling guilty that I’m not feeling guilty about the train of my thought. Plus, I can make fun of them!

5. Hidden Themes

Then: I walked into Mordor and out, without spotting the shittiness, viz heteronormativity, lack of POC in stories, all the fucking tired tropes…

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Now: I see the Nargles everywhere.

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6. Fangirling

Then: Yes, I am a fangirl and Percy Jackson is the best thing ever but I SHALL HAVE BABIES BEFORE I AM CAUGHT DOING THAT(fangirl). *sniff* I’m serious and sophisticated and you can’t hold a candle to me, I’m on a plane of fangirling so above yours.

https://i2.wp.com/images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/30900000/Just-Another-Fangirl-harry-potter-30977118-500-227.gif

Now: WHERE ARE MY PEEPS?

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What about youse? And are getting the Ponds cream to battle them? Or are comfortable? If you aren’t on either count and feel very bitter right now, may I suggest L’ORÉAL because you’re worth it and it’ll fill up that Ponds-sized hole inside of you?

https://i2.wp.com/33.media.tumblr.com/4c6e7f73daf64e851ff0f58414ab8552/tumblr_n0ofv5BYZw1qkyxe6o1_500.png    OR   https://i0.wp.com/cdn2.bigcommerce.com/n-biq04i/ivmp9iza/products/2379/images/5577/Ponds_Age_Miracle_Deep_Action_Night_Cream__48034.1407870608.1280.1280.jpg

 BYE NOW! REJUVENATE YOUR SKIN! OR HAIR! DON’T LET THE NARGLES GET YOU DOWN!

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2 thoughts on “Six Signs of Aging

  1. Hilarious post! For some reason, I’m with you with characters dying. Although I feel so wrung out in the end, there’s nothing better than getting book feels because the author just sucker punched where it would hurt so bad. I don’t actively seek out romance in my books as well, but they’re always present so I learned how to deal with them and look for ways to tolerate them. I used to not see themes in books, too. But now I see them everywhere. Yeah, I just repeated what you said. Huh.

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